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tried writing something creative today and this is all i could come up with

"i was minding my own business when you stole my heart,
you cherished it like it was a piece of art.

it was there for you on your queue,
there for you when you were feeling blue.

my heartbeat was music made just for you,
it made me believe love at first sight was true.

but then it grew old and it felt cold,
the music made for you no longer had a hold.

now im falling apart, im nothing without my heart.
i dont have that work of art.

its still in its box, you still have the key
you still own that part of me.

I wrote this poem for you but now its too late
all you feel is regret and hate "

im pretty sure its about ella.. i cant think who else it could be about
i thought i was over her...

You are an awesome poet!

Dont worry you will get seconds

this is the first time ive ever tried writing poetry properly. i thought i sucked.
and i dont think ill get seconds, she doesnt want to talk anymore T_T

Quote from: PsYk0Wo1F on April 23, 2012, 07:16:26 AM
this is the first time ive ever tried writing poetry properly. i thought i sucked.
and i dont think ill get seconds, she doesnt want to talk anymore T_T

PsY, You show her that poem. You have agsolutley nothing to lose according to that poem. That was a great poem, we make poems at school and yours rhymed....

i should show her..?
she has no feelings left though, wouldnt it make her want to avoid me because she knows i still love her?

Whats her username and i will do it for you.
Ill do because you dont give up you reach for things you want.

hahaha she doesnt play minecraft >.<
i put it here because i know she wont see it.

Just print this of and tell 1 of her friends to give it to her.

hahaha.... okay...
you really think i should show her?0.o
she doesnt even want to talk anymore shes trying to pretend i never existed

Quote from: PsYk0Wo1F on April 23, 2012, 10:12:36 AM
hahaha.... okay...
you really think i should show her?0.o
she doesnt even want to talk anymore shes trying to pretend i never existed

Do you feel the same?

Quote from: lLLEGAL on April 23, 2012, 01:07:32 PM

Quote from: PsYk0Wo1F on April 23, 2012, 10:12:36 AM
hahaha.... okay...
you really think i should show her?0.o
she doesnt even want to talk anymore shes trying to pretend i never existed

Do you feel the same?

no i want totalk toher and be best friends again..

Quote from: PsYk0Wo1F on April 23, 2012, 01:09:43 PM

Quote from: lLLEGAL on April 23, 2012, 01:07:32 PM

Quote from: PsYk0Wo1F on April 23, 2012, 10:12:36 AM
hahaha.... okay...
you really think i should show her?0.o
she doesnt even want to talk anymore shes trying to pretend i never existed

Do you feel the same?

no i want totalk toher and be best friends again..

Hello this is love service why did you break up?

Your second-third couplet is breaking the pattern of the rhyme scheme. The both share the same consonance rhyming, which doesn't follow the scheme of the rest of the poem. However, it does work if you intended for a caesura between the third-fourth couplet (however, I assume their isn't based on the lack of proper leger).

The afflatus is clearly seen through the eyes of lost love, once experiencing love but left with a broken heart (although this is unclear, between the fourth-fifth couplet it lacks explanation as to what happened to the teller. I personally would've added an extra couplet between these two).

Otherwise, its good. You aren't using any unstressed syllables, and it seems to flow rather nicely as a story.

Quote from: Relkeb on April 23, 2012, 06:57:28 PM
Your second-third couplet is breaking the pattern of the rhyme scheme. The both share the same consonance rhyming, which doesn't follow the scheme of the rest of the poem. However, it does work if you intended for a caesura between the third-fourth couplet (however, I assume their isn't based on the lack of proper leger).

The afflatus is clearly seen through the eyes of lost love, once experiencing love but left with a broken heart (although this is unclear, between the fourth-fifth couplet it lacks explanation as to what happened to the teller. I personally would've added an extra couplet between these two).

Otherwise, its good. You aren't using any unstressed syllables, and it seems to flow rather nicely as a story.

Hahaha thanks and yeah i didnt realise that..
And this was my first try >.< hahaha

Quote from: mini25252525 on April 23, 2012, 06:37:05 PM

Quote from: PsYk0Wo1F on April 23, 2012, 01:09:43 PM

Quote from: lLLEGAL on April 23, 2012, 01:07:32 PM

Quote from: PsYk0Wo1F on April 23, 2012, 10:12:36 AM
hahaha.... okay...
you really think i should show her?0.o
she doesnt even want to talk anymore shes trying to pretend i never existed

Do you feel the same?

no i want totalk toher and be best friends again..

Hello this is love service why did you break up?

She lost her feelings for me and realise i wasnt the right guy for her